Courtesy of Nargis Jamal

The lights on the hub flickered orange again indicating that broadband had dropped off. But even when they returned to a steady cobalt blue, there was no connection. So … I find myself talking to Yaswin, a BT tech buried somewhere in New Delhi, he said. To my delight, he was not only polite and courteous but managed to sort out the problem in a matter of minutes. And checked in twice over the next couple of days to ensure that all was still well.

More often than not, the operators in call centres on the subcontinent are cursed rather than praised but how many of us speak Hindi or Urdu? Or have a clue about the proximity of South Dum Dum to the centre of Kolkata? Nevertheless, many a word has been written about what westerners think of Indians. Which prompts the question – what do Indians think of westerners and expats?

Talk to expats about their experiences in India and there are similar groups of mixed sentences. In the same paragraph, they’ll talk of pollution, appalling traffic and corruption while lauding the magnificent landscapes, the wonderful people and the fascinating culture of the place. Time to get the Indian viewpoint, to find out the Indian perception of western expats and the attitude of the west to their country.

Beulah ‘Billy’ Kolhatkar, Director of India Educational Tours was slightly delayed in communicating her thoughts – she stopped to watch India play the West Indies in the third test, until it started to rain. (Naturally cricket took precedence.)

“India and Indians have always welcomed the visitor, the wanderer, the possible avatar of Vishnu. In India it has always been community first and the individual second. Like all good things, that has its problems but, in a way, that’s who we Indians become. Adjust – remember that word. We have that ability, be it in a crowded Bombay local train or during a riot. In our own, offhand way, we look out for each other. This especially goes for the visitor, the ‘pardeshi’, the one from another land, far from home and family. We love meeting new people and learning new things.

“In India a landlord is only too happy to have a ‘white man’ as his tenant, because they are more trustworthy than the Indians! We know each other well. This country is like a salad bowl with every herb and vegetable imaginable, so what are a few more expats in the mix? They too come in different forms and styles.

“We admire the ascetic, the people who come and spend the rest of their lives working for this land, which is not theirs … why do they do this? So we stay intrigued and accept that some of the visitors will be weird. But then weird makes sense in India, in a weird sort of way.

“There are expats who get sent to India on a posting and they do their time. Some like it and some don’t. Their wives in the Overseas Club, I am told, don’t have as good a time as their husbands. The issues of security and other such mundanities get in the way of them making friends with Indians who talk and maybe think like them. So I guess they have to club together.

“And there are those that are absolutely terrified of India. This lot does not add much to the India story other than very bad press. One chap, from the US, found everything too much: the sounds, smells, colours, tastes, air, light and languages. Doc’s cousin, born of Indian parents but brought up in the US, wanted to do medicine in India. She got the fright of her life. These were really sick people! It was all too real for her and gave her screaming heebie jeebies. India is not for everybody and we respect that. Indians operate by a funny sort of logic which makes complete sense if you’re willing to acknowledge that ‘you are not in control’.

“Rural India certainly sees white people as cool and cooler still if they stop and talk. If they sweep by in their cars it makes no difference other than to provide a spectacle to talk about at the end of the day. If expats come to make money in India we Indians are only too happy to help; after all Laxmi is the perfect Indian dream. Commerce runs in the veins of all our big business communities. So what if the foreigner gets more? Indians probably earn more today than ever their parents did.”

Dr Arun Kolhatkar has an equally laid back view and underpins Billy’s words.

“There seem to be two types of expats: those who love the India experience and those who loathe it. The former have often spent some of their early years here, learn an Indian language and immerse themselves totally in the vast overwhelming organism that is India. Those who hate it cocoon themselves in gated communities, insulate themselves in air-conditioned cars and interact as little as possible with the real India. The husbands may find little difficulty working with international Indians in IT companies but the wives have a hard time dealing with servants, drivers, dhobis et al.

“To most Indians, expats are just mildly interesting. They don’t affect their lives much, except as someone who can, and will, pay exorbitant prices so Indians could look on expats as suckers to be exploited. And expats do push up prices of renting apartments and commodities in cities.

“But expats do add another flavour to India and different flavours are always a good thing. Foreigners have been coming to India for centuries, becoming part of the mix while still retaining their individuality. And when they intermarry, they produce some of the brightest and most beautiful offspring.

“However, over the last 300 years, Indians have felt discriminated against by Western countries, often with some justification. There seems to be an inbuilt belief in the Anglophone world that the Caucasian races are superior to all others. That attitude is reinforced by the poverty and hunger in India, our huge population and the many beliefs and attitudes caused by lack of education. The converse attitude held by many Indians is that anything, or anyone, foreign or western is better, more trustworthy and more reliable.

“It’s interesting how the west resents India’s rise, whether as a nuclear power or the money-bags of international cricket. But the third world is an inexorable force, slowly building momentum, which will eventually coerce the west into a more equitable distribution of power. Eventually, things will balance out.”

Photographer and Events Manager based in Bangalore, Nargis Jamal takes her perspective from both the city and rural India.

“Westerners mainly come to the cities and are usually in upper management. Given the country’s growth over the last few years and the arrival of big brands, it was expected that the people would come as well. To have an Indian reporting back to head offices in the west wouldn’t quite fit as the reporting and management culture is bound to be different, so the ideal situation is to have a person from the parent company coordinating the show.

“So to the perception of expats in India: I think the large picture paints one of indifference. Expats are neither frowned upon nor revered. They might receive higher salaries (paid in dollars instead of rupees), have benefits and perks (a car and a driver) but on the whole the matter is perceived to be management level related rather than looking at nationality.

“The initial thing that bothers expats (and rightfully so) is why the place is not cleaner. I remember one person telling me: ‘when I stopped noticing the rubbish, I knew I had become part Indian’. Indian cities have a lot to offer in terms of lifestyle so there’s little missing for the expats and their families living here. And it is a whole deal cheaper. The very fact that they see that India is not a backward country, people do not go to work on elephants and religious riots do not break out on every corner, has helped them fit in rather comfortably. I hardly know of anyone who is unhappy living here and a lot of people I know couldn’t care less if they did not go back [home].

“I think it is brilliant that India has this mix. With new people there always come new ideas, new ways of doing things, new cuisines and new cultures. And India, thankfully, has overcome its phase of aping the west. In turn, it has helped the west understand India better.

“Employment has broken international barriers, bringing people into India and creating opportunities for Indians overseas. Employment creates employment and with India’s mass of population, that is a rather needed call. And a difference is made in small circles. The immediate help that an expat family has around it – drivers, house help, the maids – they now have a slightly better standard of work and income which they will then pass on to their families. Most things in life are comparative and if it means a comparable positive difference, then why not?

“One aspect that puzzled me about expats is how they are so tightly knit in their circles. They even have expat clubs! And I wonder about those people who are alone in the country for a year or two, content to simply stay in coffee shops and the venues of five star hotels. I wonder, when they go back, will they have even seen the ‘real India’. In other words, I wonder if they ‘get it’. I see people trying to recreate their worlds as though they were back at home, missing out on living and getting to know the crazy fascinating country like India.”

Embrace India, go with her flow and you will be rewarded.

LENS AND PEN HAS MOVED

To the elegant Regency town of Cheltenham in Gloucestershire after many years based in England’s last wilderness – Dartmoor. (Let’s face it, to many clients Devon was just that bit too remote despite the joys of ftp and email.)

Equidistant to Bristol and Birmingham, Cheltenham provides easy access to motorways and major airports enabling me to provide journalistic, photographic and editorial services to a much wider client base. (Perception is always important.) Commissions accepted across this more central area of the UK – London is not a problem – and, as ever, overseas contracts invariably of interest. I look forward to hearing from you.

Please make a note of the new contact details as detailed on the Contact page. Then call or email  – NOW!

It’s unlikely that many of the diners at Blue Plate Restaurant will confess to libidinous surges and erotic results but I’m sure that each one is singing the praises of the culinary delights that issued from the kitchen yesterday evening.

The asparagus season started almost a month early this year, the dry weather having boosted growth, producing an abundance of succulent stalks. And, appreciating everything in its due season, Chef Nick Barclay at Blue Plate wasted little time in planning to share the largesse with his clientele. True to form, he sourced his asparagus from local growers. Roger and Gill Derryman from Cornish Asparagus based at Lower Croan near Wadebridge duly arrived at the restaurant yesterday morning with no less than 15kg and the prepping began.

As guests chattered over glasses of sauvignon or cabernet, they munched enthusiastically on delicate canapes, beautifully presented and served. A simple asparagus spear clad in smoked salmon or morsels of asparagus on lightly curried egg – just an indication of the delicacies to come. Not that anyone knew: “there is no menu,” said Nick.

The amuse bouche consisted of a perfectly cooked spear bathing in tempura batter, accompanied by a shot glass of equally perfect soup. (A poor word to use for this sublime concoction.) A trio of duck followed: tender slices of breast on a bed of piccalilli, slivers of leg, light duck egg all, of course, with asparagus variations. A sorbet preceded fillets of plaice on a puree of asparagus which in turn led to desert which included a small cone of … yes, asparagus ice cream and a glass of asparagus jelly with just a hint of chilli.

Asparagus ice cream? Absolutely. Why not? But I should pause for a moment and return to the sorbet. Both of these confections were conjured by Mandy Treleaven of, well, Treleavens, in East Looe. It goes without saying that the sorbet contained asparagus but what of the other ingredients? Consider a blend of asparagus, smoked ham, rocket and bell pepper – and savour. Simply quite delicious, as was the whole meal.

This creative and sumptuous celebration of this queen among vegetables will come as no surprise to Blue Plate’s clients which is why, on a Tuesday (!), every seat was taken. But that’s not unusual for a restaurant that serves gourmet food in (as Nick and his wife Kelli put it) an ‘uniquely eclectic but comfy’ environment, provides superlative service and gives amazing value for money. Did I mention that the asparagus extravaganza was charged at a mere £27 per person?

But Nick is the first person to say that the whole Blue Plate experience is a team effort: Chefs Nick Barclay and Iain Shillito rule in the kitchen while the lovely Mim holds front of house, then there’s sister Sarah who has a foot in both camps, Helen, Brett, another Sarah and more. Pray forgive me, those who I have not named, for each one is a part of the smooth and professional recipe that gives you – Blue Plate Restaurant.

May I offer my sympathy to those who missed asparagus heaven and hope that they may have another opportunity next year. But for those of you who have never shared the joys of Blue Plate, I would strongly recommend that you rectify the matter at your earliest convenience but would add cautionary word. Dining at Blue Plate is highly addictive. Enjoy!

Words ring a bell? (No pun intended.) I seem to remember that that was BT’s slogan, back in the days when, if there was a problem, you could actually talk to a human being. And if there was, an engineer from the mighty British Telecommunications company would fix it – in due course. But that was before BT Openreach was put in place to service all the other 400 plus ‘comms’ providers in the UK, as well as BT’s own customers.

Moving house is right up there, close to the top of the anxiety list and given the importance of telephony and broadband why is it so difficult to get reconnected? The first hurdle is to find a contact number for BT on a website that is full of information but sadly lacking in telephone numbers. And once you have found one, it’s necessary to negotiate a never ending list of options which invariably lead to a recorded message giving totally irrelevant information or direct you back to the website. When all you really want to do is talk to a real human being!

Once connected, you should be able to happily get on with your life, chatting to friends, talking business, emailing contacts around the globe and trawling the web for whatever takes your fancy. Until something goes wrong with the line, rendering the telephone almost unusable and slowing the broadband connection down to a snail’s pace.

The very nice man in New Delhi asked me if I was speaking on the phone with which I am having a problem.

“Please, Mr Flemming … should I call you Mr Flemming or may I call you Robert?”

“Yes but I can barely hear you. There’s so much crackle on the line.”

“Mr Robert, yes I am hearing this and it maybe that you have a fault on this line. Are you already reporting this on the website? You can do this now. Just go to www.bt.com and you may do this.”

“I’ve tried that but it clearly says that you can’t report a fault if your computer is connected to the internet. Which is why I’m phoning you.”

“I don’t think so. You can do this online … Ah, perhaps not. But I am having to test the line so please put down the phone and I am calling you back in two minutes.”

Two minutes later, the phone duly rings.

“Mr Robert? There is a fault on the line but maybe, I am thinking, that it is the equipment inside your house that is faulty.”

At this point you’re instructed to run through a series of procedures that require you to have at hand a screwdriver, three hands, a knowledge of wiring and preferably an analogue phone. All this despite the fact that you already know that the fault lies outside underground or up a pole.

“So you are having done all these things including connecting your telephone to the direct socket under the main socket and there are no other devices connected to that socket and you are still having this problem? In which case, I am reporting this to the engineers. Yes, they will come to you between eight o’clock in the morning and one pm on Thursday. But I must be telling you that when they are coming and finding that this fault is inside your house there will be a charge of £135. You are understanding this please.”

Thus, despite all entreaties, you are forced to cope  with having to wait for five days until the line is fixed. Hopefully. The engineer duly arrives – and cuts off both phone and broadband entirely for the rest of the day. However, finally, all systems are go again and all the hassles are forgotten. Until you have a question such as: can BT monitor the length of a call to the UAE and let me know the cost after the call is terminated? I challenge you to find a telephone number anywhere on the BT website that allows you to ask such a question. There isn’t one.

After several frustrating (and time consuming) attempts to get customer service, I had a brainwave – call 100, the old operator service.

“No Sir, I’m afraid that we no longer provide that service. If you dial 150 for the international operator, they can tell you the call costs per minute and then should time the length of the call or you can check your telephone bill for the details.”

Phoning 150 works but then I discover another anomaly. While making a call from a landline to a UAE mobile is around £1 per minute, landline to landline would be 50p more expensive! Bizarre.

“Google cheap telephone calls,” I was advised. By an Openreach engineer.

But better the devil you know. At least if you’re with BT the problems stay in the family; heaven forbid that one should have a fault through a third party provider.

Of course, the HIP was quickly dislocated and never recovered but it did shake the newly ‘qualified’ inspectors. They had to think of different ways to make money and got more than a few ideas from the redundant joint. In turn, the solicitors were seeing a downturn in their conveyancing business as the banks raised the benchmark for people to get mortgages. For solicitors, the solution was obvious: make the whole process of conveyancing a lot more complicated by making the searches more onerous and flag up (dubious) requirements needed with lots of inspectors to ratify and rubber stamp those requirements. And, of course, all those arrangements would take more time in terms of telephone calls, emails, letters and paperwork. All of which could be charged to the accounts of either the vendors or the purchasers, whichever was applicable.

It’s time for a little brainstorming. A full structural survey should be carried out, followed by a mining survey to ensure that there isn’t an old coal or tin mine under the house.  Then there could be a valuation survey and an electrical one plus those related to water and sewerage. Make a mental note to query all of the answers given by the vendors to any enquiries and demand to see written proof of at least 60% of the claims. One should automatically assume that all vendors will lie about their house. And one should not forget about the purchasers.

The latter may claim that they’re cash buyers but by making them prove the fact in writing is going to involve a lot more work by all concerned. If, joy of joys, it turns out that the have to get a mortgage, the programme gets even better. Make sure that there are as many hoops and hurdles as possible that automatically involve your intervention. And then put doubts in their minds about the price of the property and its true value. Drip feeding such toxic material into their minds will make them vacillate, which will then mean more telephone calls et al to try to work through the problems. Remember, you can charge for every call, email, letter and finger lift. The goal here is to stretch the process out as long as possible and then persuade them to pull out. If you get this right, they will still have to pay you for the work carried out to date, trust your judgement implicitly and retain your services for the next property that they hope to buy.

All you have to remember as a solicitor is: Delay = Money. Don’t worry about the clients getting upset; as long as they pay the bill, there are plenty more suckers waiting in line for your professional services.